


Abject Morality

by Iamablobfish



Series: Barisi musings [4]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barisi - Freeform, M/M, based on the events of the s18 finale, sonny questions the squads morality, the boys fight :0, they're all tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 19:36:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15713721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iamablobfish/pseuds/Iamablobfish
Summary: Sonny's response and feelings about the happenings of the s18 finale, Episode 21 "Sanctuary".





	Abject Morality

Sonny didn't want to go home, not when Barba had walked into Olivia's office with that ugly smirk on his face. Like he'd just convinced a two-year-old that five one dollar bills were better than a ten dollar bill. He'd averted eye contact, not that Barba was looking at him anyway, until he disappeared. At which point, he stood abruptly from his desk, a little louder than he should have been and a lot angrier than he wanted to be feeling, and marched into the bunk room. He could feel a couple unis staring at him, and he chose to feel lucky that the rest of the squad had already made their way home. Feeling disemboldened by the case and needing a break. He tried not to let the fact that he was the only one here make him even angrier than he already was, slamming the door shut behind him and dropping heavily onto the nearest bed.

_They'd won. The men who were in jail were supposed to be in jail, and yet- why did he still feel so gross inside?_

He stood suddenly and kicked the post of the bed he was sitting on, too far gone to notice how much it hurt his foot to do so. When the bed hardly moved, he picked up a pillow, spinning around and launching it at the wall. It landed with a satisfying thud, bouncing off the wall and landing right back at his feet. He chased that feeling, giving it a flying kick towards the door without looking. The noise made this time sounded softer, somehow, and he looked up to see Barba standing there. Except for the look on his face wasn't Barba, it was Rafael. Coming to check on him. He must have hit him right in the chest with it, and yet the ADA only stood there with the pillow in his hands, as if nothing had happened. 

The realization that these two men, the one who had tried to convince the Lieutenant to lie and the one who spent the evenings telling him how much he loved him, was the same person made him sick to his stomach. He turned around and stalked over to the other side of the room, too agitated to sit down or stand still, but not trusting himself to move too much for fear of making himself look like a fool in front of Rafael.

He was fuming in his own head for a minute, and he could almost hear Rafael thinking behind him, trying to figure out the best way to deal with this. With him. It wasn't until Sonny felt like he was going to scream at how quiet it was that his boyfriend managed to say anything. 

"You're angry with me." He said, and Sonny barked out a harsh laugh, although his response was cut off by Raf's next words. "Liv talked to you about her dilemma?"

"Oh, come on, Rafael. No, the Lieu wouldn't ask for advice from anyone even if it killed her. Especially me. And I wouldn't give it to her if she asked! I mean-" He turned suddenly, running a hand subconsciously through his hair, and although his voice was raised he didn't try and throw anything or break anything like he had been. Talking about it was helping a little bit more than that. "What is happening to us all? You- you with your perjury. Your trying-to-convince-the-lieu-to-lie-" Sonny said accusingly, before gesturing in the direction of Olivia's office. 

"Lieutenant Benson and her almost calling ICE on Soledad. Which, by the way, is your fault as well. You wanted her to do it. You asked her to do it." He said, tears pricking at the corners of his eyes, fisting his hands in his hair because he just needed a grip on something. "What kind of a path are we heading down, huh?" He asked, and was greeted with nothing but silence from the other end of the room. 

He was breaking down, he knew it. He hadn't gotten a bit of sleep for the past week, none of them had. He felt lost and scared, and _how was he the only one seeing the consequences of all the bad decisions they kept making??_

"I'm not going to argue with you about this, although you're free to yell at me until you feel better. Maybe I deserve it." Raf said with a light-hearted shrug, casting a gaze over to Sonny before taking a couple steps towards it. "You're exhausted, you need to sleep. Let me take you home. Please." He said, letting is voice betray for just a minute how tired he was, how frustrated. How worried he was for Sonny. 

"You don't care at all, do you?" Sonny asked, and Barba paused. "You really don't care that you, a respected Manhattan ADA coached an SVU detective to lie and perjure herself on the stand. You all but forced her to call ICE on a mother of two kids-"

"Olivia is a grown woman, she can make her own choices. Are you suggesting I put a gun to her head and forced her to make a statement in court? One she didn't even make, I will add. Although you're conveniently leaving that part out-"

"It's not _about_ what decisions she did or didn't make, Rafi! You- if you- if you start making exceptions to lie, then when does it end?" Sonny asked, desperation in his voice, dropping his hands from his head and subconsciously reaching his hands out to Barba, looking for comfort. 

"It ends when I say it ends, doesn't it?” Barba responded, voice sharp, unable to keep his cool with his partner any longer. “There are loopholes, there are tricks, and if you just ignore them then- then you lose! You lose, and more people get hurt." Sonny started to say something but Rafael cut him off. "No. No, Sonny, I'm not going to fight with you on this. I'm not going to change my mind, I'm not going to admit wrongdoing. Defense Attorney's use tricks like that every single day to get the bad guys off, and a lot of the time they win. And if I can't use it every once in a while to make sure I put the right people in prison, then what the hell kind of use am I? Everyone wanted them in prison, they _needed to be in prison_. And I put them in prison. I won't apologize for that." He said, voice taking on a finality that proved to Sonny that he wasn’t going to budge. 

Sonny was quiet for a minute, dropping down on the closest bed, head in his hands. He seemed to need a second to process everything, or he at least needed ten+ hours of sleep to process it all. Once Barba thought he would be welcome he sat down gently next to him, putting a hand on his back. As soon as they were touching, Sonny leaned into him fully, and Rafael wrapped both of his arms around him. 

"What if we're making all the wrong decisions?" Sonny asked softly, voice rough and scratchy from yelling and crying. "What if these are the choices that get us all hurt, or fired, or... or damned?" He said, and although Barba was in no position to answer these questions, Carisi still seemed to look to him for answers. At least, an answer. Something tangible to hold on to. He always put Rafael on such a high pedestal, as if he would know everything. Even now, when he was angry with him, he still looked to him for answers.

"I don't have the answers to all of life's greatest mysteries, kid." He said after a minute, a light teasing tone in his voice, and he continued before Sonny could be put out at not getting what he wanted to hear. "But.. but I think we just do what we think is best. Based on the facts we're given. And based on how we feel in the moment. And then what happens happens. And we'll have done our best, which is all we can do."

Sonny considered it for a moment, seemingly accepting it as something that made sense. At least to his exhausted brain, which was currently running at about a quarter of capacity.

"I think I'm way too tired to stay awake for a car trip home." He said, and the tension sagged from Raf's shoulders at the change in topic. Finally, they would be able to move on, at least for this moment. 

"I'll wake you up when we get there, okay?" Rafael promised him, kissing him gently on the head as he helped him stand up. "And I'll convince Liv to let you sleep in tomorrow. Just go get your stuff." He said, keeping his voice soft and even, keeping a hand on his arm as he led him through the squad room.


End file.
